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how's your week going, Beehaw
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this post was submitted on 11 Dec 2023
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Lately I've been feeling rather lonely. It's probably at least in part because I've had far too much time on my hands and not enough to do with that time, partly because I've been sick for the last few days and isolating and had to cancel some plans, and partly because I've been reading up a bit more about the aro experience. Oh and maybe a dash of watching my nesting partners relationship with her two wives slowly degrade in real time.
I know I'm loved. There's no shortage of people who find me interesting and compassionate and a lovely person, but very few of these people want more than a basic friendship and that feels rather isolating. It also doesn't help that I am often reminded of how little I truly understand other humans and how they approach relationships, attraction, etc. I want a deeper connection with someone, someone to build something together with, someone who I know will be there for me in the ways I'm there for others but as time goes on it just seems like more and more like a fantasy. I feel like I'm often just treated like a helpful tool that's well liked but never anyone's first choice.
On the other hand I know in ways I'm catastrophizing and things really aren't all that bad, I'm living a healthy life in a beautiful city surrounded by people I love and I have healthy relationships. I just wish I could be content with what I have because the search for something more is so exhausting at times.
You’re yearning for more?
Yes. I'm poly and have partners, including one that I live with, but she lives in the other room with her two partners. So it's a nesting partner and we are building things together (the space we both co-habitate) but it feels kinda surface level because while we do talk a lot about what happens in her life, there's also a lot that I don't hear about until it's already gone through her two partners. There's a distance between us which I'm fine with, but it's not what people often think when you say you have a nesting partner. Also, she really only has sex with those two girls and not with me. We do some kink stuff from time to time, but it's mostly a dead bedroom situation and our relationship is maybe more of a QPR nowadays than it used to be.
I don't want to be monogamous because I don't believe it's a particularly useful framework and I don't want to be hierarchical because I think that's inflexible to the realities of life and I don't like power imbalances, but I do want something more akin to an anchor partner. I want someone that I can see regularly, someone which I can build something together with. Someone who isn't just there if I come calling, but actively reaches out to me as well. It would be nice if they have a high sex drive like I do, but ultimately I'm poly and could theoretically find that somewhere else. A lot of my poly relationships today are people I see on average one or two times a month, outside of the girl I live with, and while I know all of them are committed, they spend the majority of their time with their other partners and when I feel like some of my needs are not getting met, it's hard not to be left feeling want.
You don’t want to use the monogamous framework of relationship: OK. But, you cannot expect someone to sustain a relationship with you, and satisfy your desires/need if you’re not the only person they’re dating.
The « monogamous » framework is only what you make of it. You want no power imbalances, you want it to be flexible, work on it with your partner. If you don’t feel satisfied in a polygamous couple, then try monogamy without expecting the best, but also the worse.
Just love 😉!
You're welcome to feel however you wish about relationships, but please don't assume how it works for you is how it works for everyone else. Being able to satisfy desires and needs has nothing to do with how many people you are dating, it has to do with matching needs/desires and willingness to fulfill them. Even in relationships which are monogamous, there are many folks who do not get all their needs and desires satisfied by their singular partner and are left wanting or find ways to get those needs filled elsewhere.
I also do not expect to get all of my needs met by one person. No one can do this. In many cases where people believe that they are doing this, they are often in codependent relationships. Humans are meant to be social, with many people, and to get their needs met by many. For example, you may have a friend or partner who is deeply supportive, but does not challenge you and a friend or partner who challenges you but may at times feel a bit less supportive because they challenge you - I would argue both of these are needs at different times for different situations, but it is extremely unlikely that you will find someone who is flexible enough to do both at the right times. In the same way, there are many needs that humans have that we get through our social support networks, and relying on a single person is, in my mind at least, either folly or cognitive dissonance.
I did a single 10 year long monogamous relationship, I was poly before it and poly after. There were many great things about that relationship and I still love her a lot, but monogamy just isn't right for me.
Hey sorry but like chill, I just tried to suggest something, it’s not like I’m trying to force something unto you. I apologise if I was mean, just wanted to send some love ❤️
So: You don’t believe that you can be happy in a monogamous relationship but can’t seem to find satisfaction either in a polygamous relationship…. Must be hard, are you like… still missing her?
It’s cliché but… maybe try to sort out your feelings and have a talk with your partners.
EDIT: if you need recommendations of things to do to escape your mind for some time, can help you find games/books/hobbies.
I appreciate the sentiment and sending love. Sorry if I came off a bit bristly.
A few bits of clarification:
I'm never opposed to recommendations. What books have captured your interest as of late?