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submitted 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago) by appledinosaurcat@beehaw.org to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

Please read post for full context and be kind with me. Any help/input will be appreciated!

We met on a dating app several months ago during a hectic time for me but I wanted to ease back into dating after a bad break-up. Witty banter right away with us via text. He was a breath of fresh air, direct and candid especially when it came to the most dark and traumatic topics. Something about the way he texted me made him stand out and made me feel something. However, I had qualms because as much as I find a "bad boy" thrilling, I can't say he's my go-to type. He has been through more than anyone should in an entire lifetime: divorce and drug addictions run in the family, absent biological dad and malicious step-dad, grieving many losses, PTSD, and he himself was an alcoholic who tried various hard drugs for some time (he says no longer the case). He had to care for his siblings and be the bread winner early on. It's not that I ever want to be judgmental or prejudiced, but I can't help feeling at least somewhat anxious and afraid of making another dating mistake, this time with a man who's already endured such complex pain. I am not sure if we are trauma-bonding, but I'm so scared if it is, as we've also already talked about my own parents' dynamic (not the "normal" happy relationship either) and losing friends who couldn't see the light.

With all this darkness, why do I feel so attracted? It's how he has dealt with all of the setbacks, and the way he's said things on his own accord that heal the most painful parts of my prior relationship with a narcissist. How he cared for his family, looked for his father, got past addiction. He consistently tells me the sweetest things and has already started calling me loving names whereas my ex refused to even months after becoming official, already asking me my birthday and wanting to make it special whereas my ex ignored me completely the day of my bday causing the breakup. He remembers the little things and is proactive with the big things - we've talked about our long distance, religion, politics, kids, hypothetical trips/travel. I've been love-bombed before, gaslighted, tricked, mocked, neglected. But I do not think he is love-bombing or desperate. He does double-text often and reply immediately each time, but does that necessarily label him "clingy" or that he just simply likes me? In the past, I wished my ex did that more.

I'm also drawn to his maturity. I wasn't ready for his all-in mentality when we first met, so I actually had to step back, and he was sad but respectful of my decision. I had no idea but he recently told me it took him weeks to get over me, but that he never completely did. He sent a one-word text a month ago before moving to another state hoping to update me or even maybe meet for the first time in person. I was overwhelmed by everything on my plate and recently responded; now we're texting nonstop and having calls for hours, letting it unfold naturally. He's already told me he's going exclusive with me and was sweet about me pulling away the first time. He said long distance may actually benefit us (I don't think he means opportunity to cheat, but more so because I'm also moving within my current state and will need to be extremely busy which he seems okay with) and that I'm the only person he would move back for. We've openly discussed my trust issues and his fear around marriage but that he truly wants to settle down/have kids. We're in the process of seeing when we can at least meet in person soon.

So taking all this in, I have questions for you all. Does he seem genuine in what he says and his intentions? Does he need too much self-work before entering a relationship? Is his past alarming or any red flags relating to his experiences? Are we trauma-bonding or am I overthinking/letting my own insecurities get in the way? How can we make long distance work when it's starting off this way and even if he moves, I'm apprehensive about balancing everything with my intense new career role? During long distance, I won't have much time to spare for visits until next year (but can meet up this summer) so should we keep it an open relationship or no label, even though that could bother me as I'd prefer exclusivity? Then again, we've both been searching for the right person and if not now, when? It may always feel like it's not a good time because it's always busy. Also, about trauma-bonding, aren't we all bonding over some sort of shared trauma or struggle in order to build a deeper connection

Edit: Do any of your answers change if his PTSD is from serving as a veteran, not family related abuse (as far as he knows)?

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[-] apotheotic@beehaw.org 5 points 7 months ago

If this is the same person from your previous post about ghosting each other for months at a time and only having one date that didn't go well, then GET OUT OF THERE GIRLY

If its not:

Despite your assertion in the negative, it sounds like you're being (intentionally or not) love bombed. Its intoxicating but it isn't sustainable. Even if its not love bombing, it does sound like its a very intense, fast burning thing. You're talking about marriage and having a family, which I don't think is necessarily a terrible thing to have your cards on the table about reasonably early on, it seems a bit much.

If you take away the sparkly tingly fun exciting feelings (which will almost certainly dull to a more dull tingle over time), does it still seem right?

It is admirable that he's putting in the work, but it sounds like he's quite a far way from finishing his journey.

I'm tempted to say GET OUT OF THERE GIRLY but one never has the full picture with situations like this

[-] appledinosaurcat@beehaw.org 3 points 7 months ago* (last edited 7 months ago)

Not the same person but I don't know if that makes this better or worse, girl. And I'm fully aware my dating record so far has potential for a pretty profitable heartbreak podcast :'( Narcissist, tortured bad boy, lovebombers, guy who dumps me right before my favorite holiday, middle aged coworker who almost kidnaps me (we weren't dating, but damn).

It helped so much to imagine everything without the sparkly tingly feels. Frightening. I agree it was moving way too fast from his side and I truly hope he finds the resources to heal. I told him he deserves happiness and hope he stays well. I'll think about him time to time from afar. Unable to be with him, unable to forget him. That's the way it goes. Thank you for your help, friend

[-] apotheotic@beehaw.org 2 points 7 months ago

Oh hey I'll come do a guest spot on your podcast! I was broken up with on valentines day by two different people ;-;

I'm glad I could help you find your answer, even if it was one that sucks a little bit. Sending you a big hug from across the internet

[-] appledinosaurcat@beehaw.org 2 points 7 months ago

Oh man they both didn't deserve you and another ounce of your energy! Thank you so much and will warmly welcome you to guest on my podcast haha, sending a big online hug back!

this post was submitted on 09 May 2024
46 points (85.9% liked)

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