I am not in a great place right now in terms of productivity and flourishing in my personal and professional life, and every time I waste a day, every time I do something that I enjoy at the moment but which is not productive, I feel ashamed.
I live in a country, where students sometimes end their own lives for not being able to get into their dream college or for not passing the exam that would have allowed them a job in the government bureaucracy, I have always thought that they were not ending their lives because they didn't pass the exams, but they are ending it because they have indulged in activities which are not conducive to their goal of passing the exam so many times that they have given up on themselves and every time they spend a lot of time doing stuff which they might like to do in the moment but would regret right after they do it, their respect for self decreases a little more and when they get the sad news that could not progress towards their goals, they have not only failed as an aspirant for an exam, they have also failed as a person (for now at least)
i.e., As Dostoevsky states in C&P, "Your worst sin is that you've destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing", even though I might indulge in activities that are pleasurable for me now, they add up to nothing and if I do this enough times, I will just give up and sometimes some people will give up on all not just their goals because they hate themselves so much!
I don't want to end up like them (even though I feel pity for them, too bad there isn't an afterlife for them where they can be happy) , so I thought I would whip myself into a frenzy by reading a complication of suicide notes, this is for me an interesting task, but it also serves a purpose of warning me into things that I should not do! And to be completely honest, if I can derive some utility/meaning out of suicide notes, I mean the exact things that advertise the meaninglessness and the ugly side of life, that's pretty inspirational to me, I mean, it's like a metaphor for life, trying to life despite all the ugly stuff. So, to come back to the question,
Has there ever been a compilation of suicide notes, if so, where can one get it? And is it a good idea to get it?
PS: Sorry if this comes out the wrong way, if you haven't noticed, I am not that articulate. Also, I am alright right now, I am good, but I don't want to end up in a real bad situation, so I am looking for what I should I avoid.
edit 2: I like this community, but I don't have enough time to respond to everyone, but know that I am grateful and know that I have heard you! :)
It may sound tacky but the actual conventional way of getting out of this dark place is to just be outside, with people. Turn off your computer, put down your phone, stop isolating yourself and just go out sightseeing somewhere (ideally with a group of people).
If you're in India you know the weather hasn't been better, it's the best time for a nice trek to Kodai or Ooty or Munnar or wherever.
There was an anthropologist who visited with some undeveloped village somewhere, and somehow while he was living with them, the concept of depression came up.
The man he was talking to said oh yes we know about that. Sometimes someone will get broken in this particular way, they want to stay inside all the time and they can't get happy or feel emotion, they have very low energy, trouble with sleep, we know, we have that here too. It is evil spirits that get into the person, and so we worked out over time, what you need to do is get a whole bunch of the people who are close to that person, go over and haul them out of the house, and there's a whole ritual. It's like a big parade around the village, people have to touch them, throw arms around them, sing, we throw this type of powder on them, carry them around up on everyone's shoulders up in the sunlight. You have to do it for many hours. But most of the time it works; they get broken out from that type of thing they are suffering from, and if then if they try to make an effort from that point it's not hard for them to come back to a normal life and they are much happier. It is very important to do this ritual if you know someone who's in that state, and if we find it out pretty much the whole village will make a day to get them out and rescue them from it, because it is a terrible affliction and usually they cannot fix themselves from it on their own.
The anthropologist was fascinated and talked about depression in Western societies a little bit, and the villager suddenly got animated. Yes! I know this. I never saw it but, in the cities some foreigners came in and tried that way. You sit in a little room and you talk to a total stranger about all the things that make you sad. And you repeat this for a short time each week. It is absolutely terrible. We had to kick them out of the country.
Beautiful read
That is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. I might not be able to fully invoke this ritual, but I will carry it in my heart, in case I can adapt parts of it for a friend who needs it.