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this post was submitted on 02 Sep 2024
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I am not wise but I'll give this a crack.
The Martyr - someone who tries to get sympathy from others when he or she has a problem or too much work, usually when that person caused the problem or chose to do the work himself or herself:
I would bet my arse she has told EVERYONE how she must visit her son because nobody else has. Poor me.
Secondly. She doesn't want to miss out on anything that is said by doctors or staff.
Yeah this is my vibe too. Sorry. That's super shitty behaviour
For sure.
No one else could go because he was only allowed one short visit a day π‘ A few times I had to go to bring things but couldn't actually visit.
she never brought him anything he needed, that was still left up to other people
Agreed.
And yet she ignored the doctors advice on what would be good for son.
I copy and pasted the description of what a Martyr is btw but everything else was mine. I've met a few martyrs in my time. They stand out like dog's balls.
How to deal with a martyr? You can't because they won't listen. They are more wiser than you.
agree
thing is she denies it was her choice
Of course. That's what a Martyr does. I have to. Poor me.
I know I grumble, everyone I know does
but we aren't doing it for sympathy and none of us say poor me
it's a coping mechanism to grumble
whereas a martyr is manipulating
Is that right?
Kind of.
BIL is in hospital so the focus and sympathies are with him. She doesn't want to miss out on anything so she becomes the Martyr. Look at me/us. Now feel sorry for me because my son is sick.
I think it's more out of boredom (even though martyrs are ALWAYS busy). The manipulation is just a bonus.
so it's opportunistic? It's how she handles situations she is presented with.
I think I'm starting to better understand how narcissistic think and behave
Yeah. Narcissistic, manipulative, opportunistic people will always bring it back to themselves.
This reminds me so much of a selfish, childish uncle I have...
ugh
He gets very possessive of certain people in his life, and if they need care, it doesn't matter that he's not helping, or even actively making things worse... only HE gets to be there. HE must supervise and monitor interactions. If you are on the phone too long with one of his people you would hear him starting to demand their attention in the background, increasingly louder, cutting midway into sentences. Of course in the first instance when something bad happens to one of those certain people he makes it all about HIMSELF. Full dramatic breakdown and whimpering and redirecting attention to himself. He's like 79
Shockingly in the last 2-3 years has he improved to the point that I can visit my aunt and stay out late without him calling in increasingly short intervals after 6pm. And he is more restrained. It took a severe family tragedy, though. Plus realising how many people who formerly tolerated him were actively avoiding him.
Some people are beyond any meaningful change though IMO.