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this post was submitted on 23 Dec 2024
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My mother was one of the most intelligent people I know; she had a genius-level IQ and always seemed to know how to handle any situation with grace and efficiency. She was the breadwinner in our family, making much more than my dad and supporting our family well. She was my role model growing up, and thanks to her, I prefer strong, independent, intellectual women in my life.
In her old age though, she's moved in next to her favorite brother whom she idolizes, a hero back in his day. (Firemen chief who's always been aggressively involved in his community and can fix/build anything.) Unfortunately, he's extremely pro-Trump and has convinced my mother that anything progressive is evil and "the way things used to be" is far superior to any "modern crap."
My mother now argues vehemently against any programs that help her out in old age, she attacks progressive politicians and projects, and she immediately shuts down conversation if I mention anything about politics, even just stating neutral facts like "Trump won the presidency." I just can't get through to her anymore.
On top of that, she doesn't handle controversy well anymore. My wife and I had one minor disagreement in front of her (not even raised voices, more or less an argument, just working through a misunderstanding) and she practically blew up at both of us, claiming we put her in an uncomfortable spot and she didn't want to be stuck listening to us "fight." Which prevented us from resolving our disagreement in a healthy manner and led to my wife and I having an actual fight later.
I've learned to be happy and cheerful around my mother and never bring anything decisive to her. Let her enjoy her final days in ignorant bliss. It hurts because I can't be myself around her. I can't have difficult discussions with her anymore and I can't go to her with my own problems. She's no longer the voice of logic and reason. There's nothing wrong with her cognitively; she's still all there in the head. She's just so rooted in her conservative belief structure that she won't accept me unless I'm the "perfect son." And that sucks.
Happy to see that somebody else shares the same situation.
I usually don't spend more than 24h around her anymore because that's the max I can handle pure smalltalk. But I haven't foubd a healthy way to handle this because it changed me as a whole over the last years where I kind of lost the ability to make deep interesting talks with everyone else too. How are you handling this?
For the most part, I just avoid topics I know will upset her, and I try to keep the conversation on topics I know she appreciates. It's just peacekeeping at this point. I feel like I lost her long ago and all I can do is try to keep her happy now. It's rough because I lost my father earlier this year and all I have left is my mother and sister, but they're both deeply conservative people and shut down any topics they're uncomfortable with instead of having open, honest discussion.
There are the occasional fights when I'm trying to relay something important and my mother won't listen. Like the fact that I'm fully retired as of 38 years old, only because I'm a 100% disabled veteran will full medical/dental benefits for life. But Trump plans to eliminate the VA benefits program and privatize our hospitals. Which means I won't be able to afford to live anymore and I'll need to find a job. This severely affects my life, but my mom doesn't believe it will happen and she doesn't want to discuss it further. I basically need to become homeless and destitute before she'll believe me, and even then she'll probably have an excuse about how this is thanks to some obscure program Biden set up in the past.
Outside of my mother (and sister), though, I'm uncompromising. If I meet someone like my mother, I do my best to talk with them and have a meaningful conversation. If they won't allow it, then I'm done with that person. I won't keep people like that in my life; having to deal my mother is stressful enough.
You may ask why I keep my mother and sister in my life at all. The truth is, I grew up in a very loving, caring family and I've always gotten along with my family members well. I love them all and they love me too. I'm not going to let political discourse destroy my family, and I'll still be here to help them when political decisions affect their lives. My sister even told me she'll gladly take in my wife and I if we do end up homeless due to some policy change.
It's just frustrating that I feel like I need to wear a mask in front of my mother and sister now. I'm not as open with them as I used to be and it eats away at me because I care for them so much.
It's tiresome to be a hero. That perfection you saw, you're feeling the burden now. Can you see yourself doing it for a lifetime?
She's old, tired and wants to be pampered instead of doing the pampering. Tough, I know, but (mental) exhaustion ain't no joke.
In my experience it's much easier to be a similar "perfect" in the long run. My parents were shit and they're forever miserable, because they're not willing to do the hard work for happiness. Meanwhile I've been at it regarding the hard work and, sure, while exhausting, I feel far better for it and it feels so much more sustainable.
I could go on and elaborate but idk if that's too necessary