Ten minutes ago, I was watching the moon while listening to music. Specifically, "My Castle Town" by Toby Fox. And I just started crying. Tears of joy. I realized just how much I enjoy living. The pretty view of The Moon, the beautiful melody...
I never had any bad things happen to me. I love my parents because they are loving and kind, no trauma whatsoever, had depression once but I sent it away shortly. Lots of hospital visits though. But nothing serious. No girlfriends, no love pains etc.
I have basically nothing in my hands right now. But I'm always able craft new hobbies when I run out of them. By the mere power of imagination. In fact, I'm looking to learn French now because English was easy as fuck.
But while I enjoy life very much, I realize that I begin to distance myself from those that do not think the same. For instance, one of my friends never takes any joy from anything that he does. Say; complains about not having a girlfriend, being ugly etc. etc. He's the most handsome person I've ever seen in person. And girls just straight up lust over him. Yet, he insists on focussing on the negative. Which makes zero sense to me. Why is he ruining his own life by refusing to see the good?
Now I do realize that most people are not as lucky as me to be with absolutely no problems in their lives. However, I had the "basic" set of problems that men my age have. Those being:
- Like a girl but she rudely refuses you (or even insults)
- Argue with parents
And my "friends" are always so offended by these problems all they do is complaining about them non-stop. One even tried to kill himself over a girl. I genuinely can't warp my head around this. Why? When I encountered these things I never cared or at worst deluded my way out.
Why can't people just sit down and appreciate life? When I'm sitting down waiting for something, the mere ability to move my limbs seems fascinating to me. I get out of so many things.
Don't get me wrong I don't mean any of this as seeing myself above others. (Although I do have a massive ego.)
Meanwhile, I will watch the Moon.
Because there's a disease called Depression and it affects your perception of the world.
It's hard to understand it. When I was a kid, my mom would tell me about some rich/famous people who ended their lives, and asked me what I thought of it. I thought: But they are rich/famous, why would they do something so stupid
Then I got older and am diagnosed with depression. I understand what those people were going through. It can't really be understood until you've gone through it.
Having depression is different from experiencing a depressed mood. Clinical depression is very long term, much more serious.
Its like... you are a computer, and this malware appears out of nowhere starts corrupting your system files, and the beautiful colorful desktop background crashes and its just a blank, black, desktop, the shortcuts wouldn't open the programs, you try to use the antivirus but the malware just can't be removed. Its so advanced that many computer experts have no idea how to even remove it...