It helps to be a liquid

Milk comes from female animals. Real men drink bull semen shakes.

Apparently "cotton" and "Mexican" are slurs

Personally I was hoping for a heart attack. Did anyone think an assassination, successful or not, wouldn't just lead to a complete shit-show?

I say we elect that one guy behind him who barely reacts at all

But I can still keep the dinosaur, right?

Illuminati confirmed

Well there goes my dream of quitting my job and living in a towel fort at Bed Bath and Beyond

Luckily there are no Christian babies to abort

Honestly doesn't seem too far off from standard Redditese to me

I, too, become erect by swiveling my penis 180°