Headlines a short time later...

"GOP Proposes Banning Sacrificial Death Miracles"

AP News - Decrying the seemingly miraculous events of last week as "blatant socialism" and, rather ironically, "part of the woke agenda", house Republicans have introduced a bill that would make sacrificing ones life altruistically a felony. When asked how they planned to prosecute the rotting corpse of the accused were the bill to pass, House Speaker Mike Johnson acknowledged the steep uphill battle, stating, "we will leave no gravestone unturned when it comes preventing ordinary Americans from having God-like benevolence and generosity forced upon them against their will."