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Want to start dating but it'll probably hurt my best friend who I'm not romantically interested in. (lemmy.world)

submitted 2 months ago by MayvisDelacour@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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Gotta keep it vague for privacy but the key details should be enough. We first met through a dating app. It didn't work out. We remained friends. Became best friends. They fell on terribly hard times. They moved in with me. Sleeping on the couch was not good for the long term. We now share a bed, and eventually went halvesies on a new bigger one. We became very close over the past few years. I love my best friend. Sometimes do non intercourse sexish things but have no interest in a relationship. Hard times are likely to continue due to external problems that despite our best efforts, will not likely go away. I'd never kick them out, it would be on the level of hurting a puppy. What kind of monster would do that? I have been wanting a relationship but it would be awkward to have to explain all this to any new partners. I can't even imagine how my friend would take it. I wouldn't want to sacrifice our relationship just so I can start dating again. A room in the apartment is vacant now and they could move into that one but I dread broaching the topic to them. I don't know how they're going to react and no matter what happens I want to keep this person in my life. We're getting older and there's no guarantee that the "hard times" will go away. It might even last the rest of our lives. I don't know what to do. I can't face the reality that they might leave rather than watch me do my own thing. How do I have my cake and eat it too?

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[-] airbreather@lemmy.world 69 points 2 months ago

I can't even imagine how my friend would take it.

OK, OK, time out. You haven't tried talking with them about it? If you have as strong a mutual (platonic(ish?)) relationship with them as you say you do, then it should be able to survive a serious conversation about your shared future, especially if you emphasize that you want to try to keep them in your life in a major way like this.

That conversation will probably be hard, and I really can't think of a solution that would feel perfect if I were in your shoes, but I would sure as hell rather have that conversation than the "I made a decision, and here is how you will be impacted" one, or the "I kept my life on hold because I was worried how you might react to talking about it" one.

I don't know your personality or your friend's personality, so I can't promise that you will sort it all out without emotions running high, or what the ultimate outcome of such a conversation will be.

But jeez, bud, you've GOT to be able to have serious talks with people whom you trust and care about.

[-] MayvisDelacour@lemmy.world 26 points 2 months ago

I guess I am a bit of a coward. I do appreciate the comment. It's a good point.

[-] dfyx@lemmy.helios42.de 14 points 2 months ago

I can just confirm that. I was a coward once (see my other comment) and it made me miserable and cost me a 7 year relationship. I don't exactly know if having the talk earlier would have saved the relationship but it would definitely have made the breakup less ugly.

[-] Benjaben@lemmy.world 5 points 2 months ago

You seem like a caring person, so perhaps this will help guide decision-making. When you make major decisions that deeply impact another person, or even just get real far in evaluating options and imagining outcomes, asking strangers, etc....when you do these things without communicating with the other person at all, the end result is you protecting yourself, not them. Even if it feels like you're carefully considering their interests.

No matter your intentions, if you're not communicating with them and letting them participate in big decisions that affect you both, you are not acting in their best interests. There are many times (like abuse) when that is 100% the right approach, but you need to be very clear eyed about that choice to remove the other person's agency. The way you're going about this protects you at their expense, and in this situation it sounds kind of cruel, rather than justified. I'm not judging you harshly, your intentions seem good, but you need to understand that this is not a loving way to treat an adult.

[-] intensely_human@lemm.ee 0 points 2 months ago

Your cowardice is likely the result of psychological trauma.

You need to think of this as an opportunity to heal some trauma, using this situation as the path into that healing.

My advice is get a good therapist. Preferably one who’s been practicing since the 1990s or earlier.

this post was submitted on 10 Oct 2024

104 points (87.7% liked)

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