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this post was submitted on 03 Nov 2024
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Ask Lemmy
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If you're the one working then why would your SO be able to threaten to not pay bills? Maybe it's time to change which account your paychecks are going to. Have you considered opening a separate account just for you? Or try taking your name (or theirs) off as many joint accounts as possible. Maybe freezing your credit so nothing else can be opened in your name (assuming you're in the us)? Are you are legally married to them? If so filing for divorce might be another avenue to talk to a lawyer about. (Most lawyers don't charge for the initial consultation).
Are there any domestic violence shelters in your vicinity? It truely sounds like you're in an abusive relationship and being held hostage in your own home. It's only a matter of time before the violence gradually increases, because nothing you will ever do will appease them long enough to change their minds on how to treat you. Can you record people in your state/country? The us has some states where only one party needs permission to record so giving yourself permission is fully acceptable to begin recording. There are also some apps that can record audio/video when the phone appears off and uploads the video onto the internet.
You do not have to answer any of these questions. This internet stranger is just worried for you and truly hopes you find a safe haven. Regardless of anything else, I'm proud of you for working so hard to better yourself and your circumstances!
I don't have access to money really. And I can't leave my dogs. It's absolutely terrible but I'm well and truly stuck, he's wrecked my finances.
How do you honestly see things playing out/ending?
I see nothing changing and everything getting gradually worse until I crack.
Ok, then what happens? Theres a point to this, lets take it a bit further
I wish I could answer this in a way that is not scary and dangerous but I can't.
He spent part of last Sunday shouting at me that I've been "lost in my head with all my old ghosts" since the news of my aunt's diagnosis with cancer last month, which thankfully seems to have been well resolved with surgery and she is on the mend. I think it's normal to be upset and worried and distracted about the health of someone you love dearly, and I can't say I've been particularly preoccupied or any of the things he accused me of either, just maybe a little less cheerful than usual really. I consider my reaction to be a normal human reaction.
But the light went on for me, he is not capable of handling me having any negative emotions or feelings, and not capable of me worrying about someone else's well being because he's terrified that it might displace his need for all of the attention. It's pure undiluted narcissistic behaviour, ensuring his needs are the all encompassing ones.
He's thrown a potholder at me recently for putting it away crooked and shaken his fist in my face and threatened to not pay my credit cards because he was being a sociopath about me changing the temperature settings in the car when I drive it, as if pushing a button is such a difficult thing to do. Yesterday he called me at work for "using too many teaspoons", as if he's not capable of using the dishwasher or washing one if he really desperately needs it. Imagine calling someone at work to shout at them about that.
So I don't have an answer that isn't a bad one. I'm sorry.
Thats ok, seriously tho, you mentioned at some point you'll basically snap [or he will in some horrible fashion it sounds like]...What do you think happens?
The issue is its going to happen at some point and you're almost certainly not going to be in a better position to deal with it then.
What would have to be true or in place to make it possible for you to entertain simply leaving? I know it sounds outrageous but just roll with this for a moment...Pretend there's a fire and you made it out with your dog(s). What do you do next?
List all the reasons your situation is inescapable if you could so they are explicit
The only answer is money and being able to get away safely with my dogs without being harassed endlessly for the rest of my life with threats and abuse and maybe even lawsuits. I was on the cusp of leaving in 2015 when I was in a position of more power and he threatened to sue me for money, and he'd have his siblings who he is estranged from testify on his behalf about his childhood so the judge would take his side against me because he wasn't responsible for what he did you me, or something like that. I have exactly zero money to do anything about this.
Sometimes I realize when he's screaming at me that he has a underground river of insanity running through him that he conceals mostly through artful manipulation and mostly not having relationships with others.
If I don't get money I cannot get away.
Whats the magic amount of money that you estimate you need?
Whats your current housing situation, rent or own?
Rent. Probably at least 150K.
Can you break down that number a bit more? What are all the things that add up to that?
Debt repayment, finding housing, replacing all furniture and kitchenware and vehicle and all I would need to set up house, and to have any hope of ever retiring. I am not good with money so this may be incorrect, but I'd also need to pay a lawyer and probably get a restraining order.
Might I suggest debt should be the last of your worries? Is there any way you would consider filing for bankruptcy or consumer proposal after and only after you get your housing sorted out and you get settled in?
The retiring thing is something that you may need to take a step back from for now and prioritize getting out of there and getting reestablished. Even if worst case scenario you never end up being able to swing retirement, the peace and functionality you will gain being out of that environment you're in far outweighs the compromises you may have to realistically establish.
Does your rental have last month's rent paid up?
I'll be honest with you: what you have described as your living situation is horrifying and I want you to understand that many people have likely been even more poorly resourced when they made that decision to get out or their hand was forced.
Have been in a bad living situation myself I had to get out of and I didn't even have a car! 😅And tons of crushing debt to boot. But I found a room, luckily had my rent deposit saved cuz last month's prepaid and I hired a random guy to help move my shit and pet. It sucked not having my own place but I needed to get stabilized and back to work so it was a lilly pad I needed to nest on temporarily until I bided my time and was ready to apppy for my own apartment.
I'm curious if you could look on your local classifieds website/Craigslist or whatever and see if there's someone who needs a roomate in a place you can deal with and make that your first baby step towards getting the heck outta there?
If you have your job secure, thats an enormous advantage :) It will be the lever that helps you jaws of life yourself out of this economically and as a support
Your hopefully soon to be ex partner sounds like they are going to be absolutely fucked when you ditch their sorry ass for safety 😅 But you dont have to worry about them, just need to focus on your next moves and the chessgame necessary to get all the pieces in place to checkmate yourself out that game
Thank you. I'm so very overwhelmed with all of this and I'm also only scratching the surface of how bad it all is; I can't really find the ability to concentrate on all the details anymore. It's just like endless waves of trauma washing over me and I'm so numb I don't even notice. I cannot cry anymore, and I just try to make the best out of my days without getting into anything with him. It's so hard to even review with my therapist because I shut out most of the details. Also I work two jobs, about 11 hours a weekday and 6-8 hours on weekends, and it just makes it hard to accomplish anything or fix anything or feel anything but trying to power through. I hope I can escape too.
I understand, that sounds incredibly harrowing.
I'll leave you with step one which is
Thats all you need to think about for now, just do that for me and keep your chin up best you can. Night 🤫 stay safe
I'll start looking. Thank you friend. It's been a very hard week.
Better days lay ahead, keep me posted 😇. Remember, just stick to step 1 and update me when you've tackled that. I'll DM u now just to make contact
May I suggest something?
In some countries (like Germany) they have special hotels which are essentially free or low-cost, which have the sole purpose of helping women or people in a difficult, abusive relationship gather some distance from their abusive partner. In German they're called "Frauenhäuser" (women's houses). Maybe such a thing exists where you live, too?
Thank you. Unfortunately people with unstable housing live in tents in parks here. I don't think such shelters exist