I don't know what your experience was like, I want to make it clear that how I handled my stuff def wouldn't work for everyone.

For me, I found that it was hard to find a healthy relationship because I was attracted to and attracted abusers. It took me going open poly and having a lot of casual, relaxed, and actually intimate encounters with people to over-ride my insecurity and lack of self-worth. I was in an open poly relationship with two wonderful people for about 4 years, and had casual fleeting relationships with people throughout.

I learned how to set boundaries. I learned the language I needed to express those boundaries. I learned how to communicate my needs, and how to process experiences in a healthy way. I learned that there are no perfect people; that everyone has damage.

I also started doing "the work" by Dr. Robert Gibson. Its a series of 48 tapes that guide you through a process of introspection, so that you can face the hard stuff and move forward. It can be scary to look inward, and a lot of people avoid doing so and throw themselves into distractions. I did that for years, and I still struggle with it sometimes. If you look for the tapes, I warn you that they are framed in a pseudo-spiritual fashion, if that happens to be triggering.

At some point, I got to a place where I could identify what I wanted in a relationship. What I needed, even. I went out and found it, and am now engaged another four years later.

I genuinely hope you find a way through that works for you. Big hugs <3