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this post was submitted on 28 Dec 2024
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Regardless of my feelings after the fact, I do belong on that list. I did not do anything in the moment it was required of me. Part of it is the guilt yes, but I think this feeling mainly stems from the wish that all people involved should face punishment. And if they should, then I should even if I was the only one who reported it, talked about it, didn't commit perjury and continue their crimes against humanity for the sake of fucking health insurance.
Nevertheless I appreciate you. I expected the same vitriol currently being sent towards these people who did the same thing as me in the moment and all I have gotten is a thank you and "your a good person". It's producing emotions hard to process in the PTSD laden state that this news has sent me into but I appreciate the thought and I take it in kind.
As for speaking about it, I am willing to talk to anyone and everyone who'd listen. I just don't think anyone with a platform is listening. I don't think anyone cares. In a day or two another tragedy will occur and the only ones who will care will be those who wish to bury it and the one being buried. So it goes.
A close friend of mine had to quit the force after a few years. Luckily for him the only thing he dealt with was the guilt of having to put kids in jail for weed. He still feels guilty about it.
Admittedly once I found out he was a cop for a few years I didn't trust him. But after hearing his stories and understanding that he had to leave because he wasn't one of them. He actually went to college and had plans to be a detective but had to give up that entire life plan because he just couldn't handle all the corruption and abuse.
Sucks that you have to continue to suffer because the system was broken. Hope you understand that you (and my buddy) were also victims on some level.