::: spoiler Looking out the window of a car as I was driven around town as a kid. I wondered at the layers of rocks in road cuts, the vastness of forest and what creeks and secrets it held. I would see someone in passing and picture myself as if I were them; mowing the lawn; walking in that store; speaking to someone else. I would imagine whole narratives based on the details I saw around them at a glance.

I was coping with the boredom in my own ways. That abstraction is one of the most valuable to me. The thoughts that streamed from staring out a window of a moving car are a big part of the base of the tree that became me. This is the mental structure that has kept me grounded through a decade of social isolation from physical disability and being forced to reinvent my sense of self nearly from scratch. It is how far back I had to go to redefine myself anew within the reality of my physical constraints. So while it may seem entirely mundane, I have been forced to reflect and redefine myself in ways most humans never confront.

There are many facets involved here, like how I am still able to talk about my past without causing myself harm by thinking about what I have lost, or how I'm purposefully turning within myself, because any other tangent of thought leads to vengeful anger at what was taken from me. In my cascade of abstract thoughts, my most pleasant and happiest is not really resolved to a specific moment or event. In truth, I can recall the exact moment I was looking at a rock cut on the side of a road and realized the layers were deep time, but it was more of a subconscious back burner thought than a solid moment of understanding. All of this abstraction has a root in that thought. It is an actual place in my mind, a small hillside rock cut on a highway between Cleveland and Chattanooga Tennessee with a limestone formation of very old rock. That abstraction has likely saved my life thus far, and continues to redirect me into my curiosities in moments of profound loneliness, boredom, and a lack of purpose. The only thing I cannot overcome with this thought is the burden I have become for others. Baring the thought of being a burden, my abstract curiosity; wondering about the world; exploring by turning within; is my basis for continuing day to day. I find great value in this abstraction and that makes me happy in the present.