Don't touch anything. Leave the area immediately.

Call 911, report the event. Call a lawyer immediately. Right after 911. If there is time I'd notify my immediate family. Ask them to coordinate with the lawyer, and my work, in case I'm not available.

Wait until I have representation before giving a statement to the police. This will be super duper hard to do, but I'll just keep saying "my lawyer is XXX, I will only make a statement with my lawyer. I'm using my right to remain silent until then"

Have my lawyer contact the next of kin. Work with home owners insurance to iron out any issues.

If not in jail help organize the funeral arrangements with my friends family. Hire biohazard cleaners to clean house, stay outside the house until that's resolved.

Have a monk or priest come by to bless the house again and put any spirits to rest. (just in case)

Cordless stick vacuum. Roomba's don't do as well with ash because of the spinning brush.

I would probably never invite them ever again

Get a broom and a dust pan

Google or ask on !asklemmy about the price of vampire dust and how to preserve it.

If The Sims has taught me anything it's that you should A) Freak out, B) Cry over the tombstone that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, C) Flirt with the personification of death that appears to reap the soul of your guest, D) Rate the party as a real downer and belittle the person throwing the party.

Bonus points for wetting yourself at some point during the whole ordeal.

No body, no crime. Scatter that shit and hit the bar.

I would proceed to the kitchen and pour me a whiskey.

Look, I invited him in and we had a wonderful time until dawn. Is it my fault the blackout curtains weren't closed all the way? Yes. Will Dracula be pissed? Only if he can regenerate from being disintegrated. The relationship was just getting a little too claustrophobic for my liking.

Dustpan, then jack daniels

I'd sweep them up before my dogs could eat them

Freak the hell out cuz how the shit are the authorities gonna believe what actually happened?

Hopefully they're easy enough to vacuum out of a carpet...

I would contemplate if anyone would think I murdered them and accommodate.

“Would any of the rest of you like to try the garlic canapés with holy water based dressing?”

I'd probably go to bed because I am clearly not awake and this must be a dream.

Maybe steal a pinch or two and call 911. Eat some ashes with some mushrooms later.

"God damnit, not again. " Proceeds to get broom and dust pan

I open my eyes and wake up from the nightmare.

freak out and talk about it with people before it potentially happens to me too and maybe start a livestream so if it does happen it'll happen on live even though nobody will probably believe it

"Hey Google, start the Roomba."

I would yell and scream because someone caught on fire in my house

Scrape the food onto my plate.

Call a paranormal lawyer

https://youtu.be/4q8inM0gKVo

Drop a drop of blood on the ashes to resurrect them. And ask them to carry the vampire first-aid-kit next time.

I'd get a fork, a knife, and some BBQ sauce, duh.